#14: Shart of the deal

The great art of the Trump Era

True story: Years ago, The Onion ran an op-ed by Donald Trump with the headline, “When You’re Feeling Low, Just Remember I’ll Be Dead In About 15 Or 20 Years.” Shortly after, the company received a threatening letter from Michael Cohen ordering the article taken down. I can’t remember everything the Cohen letter said, but I remember one line saying, “Obviously Mr. Trump did not write this column.” You got us there, Michael. In my memory, not only did The Onion disregard Cohen’s letter, but the comedy staff responded with “Donald Trump Stares Forlornly At Tiny, Aged Penis In Mirror Before Putting On Clothes, Beginning Day.” It makes for a good story, but my chronology is wrong. The “aged penis” story ran in June 2012, and the “I’ll be dead” one in January 2013. Oh well. I don’t remember what Trump awfulness at the time inspired my esteemed colleagues to go HAM on him, but I often think about the “I’ll be dead” column, because it was one of the many Onion stories that made me proud to work there.

After the 2016 election, people predicted the Trump years would inspire a wave of incredible art. I started searching for his effect on nascent bands when I assembled the 2017 Year in Band Names, turning up one that landed in the headline: “And, of course, Anal Trump: The year in band names 2017.” As we head into the home stretch of this soul-sapping election cycle, I thought I’d check back in with the Trump-related music out there—and see how that prediction has fared.

FYI, there’s some NSFW-ish images below. I mean, look at the name of the first band.

Anal Trump

The 2017 YIBN all-stars stayed busy during the first years of the Trump Administration. In 2018, they released a collection called The First 100 Songs, featuring tracks like “I’m in Astonishingly Excellent Health,” “Before I Proceed, I’d Like to Hear the Other Side of the Argument Against Cervical Cancer,” “Some of My Best Friends Know Some Woman that They Still Have Yet to Sexualize,” “Can a Brother Get an RT?,” “My Cabinate [sic] is Nuanced as Shit,” and many, many more. Each song averages about three or four seconds, in keeping with the proud tradition of provocative grindcore. Specifically, the kind pioneered by Anal Cunt, per Anal Trump’s surprisingly lengthy bio:

The true identities of Rob and Travis Trump remain shrouded in mystery. Are they the unwanted bastard children of the Philanderer-in-Chief? Regular citizens transformed into angry mutants by the deluge of toxic waste spewing from the 45th President’s mouth? Or simply two dudes from high-profile San Diego musical acts who decided to pay tribute to grindcore pioneers Anal Cunt through the words of a man who embodies that band’s name? 

It goes on for a long time after that. Sadly, it looks like The First 100 Songs ended up being all of Anal Trump’s songs, because they haven’t posted anything since then. But at least they were able to drop releases like If You Wanted to Qualify for Health Insurance, Then Maybe You Shouldn’t Have Gotten Raped?, If You Thought Six Million Jews was a Lot of People, You Should’ve Seen My Inauguration, and To All the Broads I’ve Nailed Before.

Shart of the Deal

This is an album by Detroit group Rock & Roll Bass Guitar. Songs include “Ted Cruz Tells All (Tales from the Tomb of Fat Dracula),” “Sad!,” and, uh, “Colors of My Dick.”

Cuck Killer

Lest you think the past four years have only inspired oppositional art, take a listen Cuck Killer by someone named John Tanzer. Released back in April 2017, it features songs like “Fake News (cnnlol)” (“Here they go again / With their false narrative / Looking for a slant / Against the president”), “Cuck Killer,” which sadly isn’t a parody of Body Count’s infamous “Cop Killer,” “Hillary” (of course), and “SJW” (ditto). Then there’s the Shia LaBeouf-inspired “Shia”: “It’s enough when enough is enough / Say goodbye to Shia Labeouf / See what happens when you go against Trump”. “Neocons” mockingly taunts, “Neocons got it wrong / Neocons got schlonged / See them going down / All the cucks sing along.” Given the stridency of the lyrics and titles, you may expect Tanzer’s music to be red-blooded, Ted Nugent-style rock ’n’ roll, but it’s actually airy electropop. In album opener “Based Stick Man,” Tanzer breathily sings, “Where’s the alt-knight / To make it alright / To bash the communist skull / Where’s the defender / Who can render / The cucks void and null.” It’s like a less edgy Postal Service, but with shoutouts to Milo Yiannopoulos.

The top of Tanzer’s Bandcamp page.

Right Side 2020: Vol. 1

Skewing more patriotic and less SJW-baiting is Alabama’s Jacob Seales, who works as a composer for something called the Right Side Broadcasting Network. Apparently it’s known for its livestreams of Trump rallies, and Seales creates “a wide variety of music to enjoy while waiting for rallies,” according to one of his album descriptions. Behold, the world’s most specific genre: music for waiting for a Trump rally. The songs tend to have generic titles like “The Good Fight,” “The American Dreamer,” “Tried and True,” and “One Last Chance,” and there’s also an instrumental cover of Lee Greenwood’s unlistenable treacle “God Bless the USA” (Trump’s walk-out song at rallies).

Seales can certainly play guitar well, and the association with RSBN seems to be working for him. He even released a backing-tracks version of his RSBN scores, where he removed all the leads so other players can “learn the melodies/solos or just jam over the track of their choosing!” His Bandcamp has lots of compliments from people with flags in their avatars and usernames like “PreciousFreedom” (whose avatar is an inspirational Charlie Daniels quote?).

Buddy Puked

Just when you think cuck culture can’t get worse, the description for The Acid Test of Cuckoldry is here to tell you who the real cucks are.

The nascent “alt-right” movement uses the term “cuck” as an insult against those who don’t subscribe to their racist ideology. We believe the true cucks are those who naively support the current neoliberal order and fail to recognize that capitalism exacerbates economic and racial division—which is then exploited to further distract people from the true source of their inequality.

The Donnies

From the single “Orange Bitch”: “He is an orange bitch / He can suck my fuckin’ dick.”

Totally Fucking Gay

Twitter bio: “#metal #comedy #electro Kneepad Nikki, Doc Octocock & Joe Testículo are TFG. Sex, politics and rock ’n’ roll. Seeking dildo endorsement.” In 2018, they released an album called G.O.P. (Gag on Penis), featuring the Trump tribute “Orange Anus.” Lyrics: “Tiny hands and a tiny dick / I wouldn’t touch him with a 10 foot stick.”

The Fake Newsers

Here’s the cover for their two-song single:

Looking at the NOFX and Dead Kennedys shirts, you’d think these guys would be anti-Trump, but you’d be wrong. “Line in the Sand (and Choose Your Side of the Wall)” opens with, “There’s a total disrespect in the media today / As our elected try to help us all / Maybe they should leave if they don’t like the way we live? / Our president takes a stand on it all / Whoa oh oh.” Or maybe you’d prefer “Make Punk Great Again,” which starts, “Hey! Mr. President / Ho! Mr. Trump / Hey! We’re Republican / And proud to tell you so!” These dudes are so busy being proud they haven’t released anything since February 2018.

Robert Mueller

The self-professed “kings of lawgrind” called their latest album The Third Stick, a nod to the Mueller nickname “Bobby Three Sticks” (because he’s Robert Mueller III, get it?). They dropped it on April 18, 2019, the day William Barr released a redacted version of the Mueller Report. To wit: “William Barr Did Not Do His Reading and Should See Me in My Office… NOW!”

I have spoken.
Mueller’s back motherfuckers welcome to the end
Fact based unbiased grind has come again
Subpoena’ed in the face
(Indicted as fuck)
Gone without a trace
(Probe up your butt)
Gag em throw em down a hole
(see the swan fly)
My lovely wife Ann is by my side.

Robert Mueller’s other album titles bear out their lawgrind bona fides: Twelve Inch Subpoena (featuring the hit “Mitch McConnell Tucks His Neck into His Shirt, Like a Piece of Shit”) and Obstruct THIS! The latest album has a song called “Roger Stone Thinks He’s a Batman Villain, But He’s Just a Guy with a Tattoo,” which ends with the lyrics, “Fuck you / Go hide in your Manafort / With Paul / See what I did there? / Fuck you.” There’s also “Julian Assange Touched His Poop (Legally).” Their Bandcamp doesn’t offer lyrics for this one, but a summary: “Julian Assange was accused of smearing faeces on the walls of the Ecuadorian Embassy. His lawyer said that was not true, but we believe it could be.” So do I.

POST-SCRIPTS

• To summarize, it looks like we’re still waiting for all of that great art.

• Naturally I encountered some pro-Trump releases that weren’t even fun to mock, including one with a song that implored people to organize militias. No thanks.

• BNB #8 will arrive before Election Day.