#71: Dispatch from 2023 music festival season
Don’t Skate on My Ramp; Private Hellscape; ¥///0 $#£[[ \/\/&$ #£>3; Uncle Waffles; Beauty School Dropout
Don’t Skate on My Ramp
Where: Obenuse Fest
Google is sure that I mean the song “Don’t Skate on My Ramp” by the Satanic Surfers, from 1994’s Keep Out! But no, I’m looking for a band—presumably named after that song—that’s playing some festival in Switzerland. How about I ask Google’s much-hyped new competitor, ChatGPT? [Dramatic music.]
What can you tell me about the band Don't Skate on My Ramp?
I'm sorry, but I don't have any information on a band called "Don't Skate on My Ramp." It's possible that they are a small or relatively unknown band, or they may not exist at all. Is there anything else I can help you with?
They're playing the Obenuse Fest if that helps
I apologize, but I still don't have any information on a band called "Don't Skate on My Ramp" playing at Obenuse Fest. It's possible that this is a new or emerging band that hasn't yet gained much recognition or publicity. Alternatively, it's possible that the band and/or festival are fictional. Without more specific details or context, I'm unable to provide further information.
I think they take their name from the Satanic Surfers song “Don't Skate on My Ramp.” Still nothing?
Thank you for the additional information. The name "Don't Skate on My Ramp" appears to be a reference to the Satanic Surfers song, as you mentioned. However, I still do not have any information on a band with that name. It's possible that they are a small, local band or a new and emerging band that hasn't yet gained much recognition. Without more specific details, I'm unable to provide further information.
Artificial intelligence may be coming for all of our jobs, but it looks like Band Name Bureau is safe for a while.
Also performing at Obenuse: Wonk Unit, Talk Me Off
Private Hellscape
Where: Oblivion Access Festival
What’s this? Yet another mysterious band with no web presence? Maybe I should stop looking at semi-obscure festivals, you say? That ain’t gonna happen. The bigger the festival, the less fun the names, and I’ll tell you that for free.
Speaking of Google, it really thinks I mean Austin noiseniks Blank Hellscape—“WE JUST MAD DARK INDIVIDUALS,” per Bandcamp—but this time Mountain View is onto something. The Darker Side of Austin tells me Private Hellscape is a portmantastic group featuring members of Blank Hellscape and Private Service.
What happens when they come together remains a mystery, but Blank Hellscape’s split with Wolf Eyes is described as “a suitably nightmarish backdrop for USA 2020 vanquished by fear, greed, incurable disease, etc.” Blank Hellscape’s song lasts almost 20 minutes. It makes sense they’re playing a festival with “Oblivion” in the name.
Also playing Oblivion Access: Fuck Money, Sissy Spacek, Prison Religion
¥///0 $#£[[ \/\/&$ #£>3
Where: Primavera Sound
The only appropriate reaction to this name: “Oh fuck off.”
Primavera Sound is no namby-pamby festival—just feast your eyes about this massive lineup, old boy—but this group also has no presence online. What the hell is going on?
Primavera organizers say it’s “a wonderful mystery.” They add, “We don't really know who they are, we don’t really know where they come from, but with every track they release they reignite the flame of rave culture.”
Well, they know a little, because the fest’s blurb mentions the history of British electronic duos, so ¥///0 is a) from the UK, and b) a two-piece. Oh, and their sound is described as “mutant bass music.” That’ll have to do, because trying to find any info online about these guys is an exercise in futility.
And you know what? I respect that. In this hyper-connected age, where artists are expected to be multiplatform content creators, disconnection is the biggest flex.
Now, to whip myself for saying “biggest flex.”
Also playing Primavera Sound: Tongue in the Mind
Uncle Waffles
Where: Coachella
OK, finally, some who can be found online easily. In fact, rising South African DJ Uncle Waffles—a.k.a. Lungelihle Zwane—owes her fame to social media. This footage from one of her performances went viral after Drake posted it in an Instagram story. (Time to go whip myself again.)
The footage is from the fall of 2021, roughly a year after Uncle Waffles learned how to DJ. Now she’s performing at Coachella and is an “international brand” collaborating with KFC on a limited-edition sandwich.
Also performing at Coachella: Desert Cahuilla Bird Singers, 1999.ODDS
Beauty School Dropout
Where: Lollapalooza
Although I’d never call it a favorite movie of mine, I somehow saw Grease countless times as a child. That means the words “Beauty School Dropout” instantly puts Frankie Avalon in my head.
I’d rather watch that clip 30 times in a row than read this utterly inane bio:
Spearheaded by A&R Mark Hoppus under new label Verswire with Pete Wentz and Sherry Saeedi, Beauty School Dropout’s sound is a culmination of the most iconic influences of mainstream rock music.
Meet this generations Motley Crue meets Red Hot Chili Peppers. Resurrecting heavy guitar tones, charging drums, and sticky melodies, all while still staying true to the relatable and timeless emotional lyrics we all love.
It’s all a mess grammatically and thematically. Their sound is spearheaded by A&R Mark Hoppus et al.? Using “meet” and “meets” right after each other? And what more iconic influences can there be than… Mötley Crüe and Red Hot Chili Peppers?
It’s hard for anyone to be “this generations” [sic] version of those bands, considering both of them still tour and release new music. And Beauty School Dropout’s sound doesn’t have much in common with either of them. People at this year’s Lolla can judge for themselves, as RHCP is once again headlining, as apparently required by law every five years or so.
Also, what’s Verswire, one of four names clumsily shoehorned into that first clause? Variety is glad you asked.
Somewhat in the vein of the long-running TV show “Shark Tank,” Verswire, which also counts Fall Out Boy’s Pete Wentz as a strategic advisor, will make custom investments into both new and established acts depending on their needs, while also working directly with these partners as an incubator to dial in everything from distribution, sponsorships, artist development and Web 3.0 strategy.
If you can get past that and this quote from Wentz…
“They’re great kids and great songwriters, and they have a nuanced understanding of the business,” Wentz adds of Beauty School Dropout. “I talked to them about what they were doing with their own NFTs.”
…what Verswire proposes makes sense on the surface. There’s no advance the label has to recoup before the artists make money, for instance.
Artists will instead participate immediately in other revenue streams with Verswire and keep majority ownership of their masters. The equity split will be based on “when we think we’ll break even and at what percentage, and what’s fair to the artist,” Saeedi tells Variety. “They’ll always keep the lion’s share, because we’re treating artists as entrepreneurs for the first time ever.”
This being Variety, it’s full of similar self-congratulatory quotes, but if Verswire figures out a way for bands to make money in today’s climate, then I’ll unroll my eyes and offer to write better band bios for them.
Also performing at Lollapalooza: Dope Lemon, Ax & the Hatchetmen
POST-SCRIPTS
Beauty School Dropout’s 2022 debut is called We Made Plans & God Laughed. How many album titles have been inspired by that aphorism? I can think of two off the top of my head: Death Cab for Cutie (Plans) and Public Enemy (Man Plans God Laughs). It’s a cliché by this point, but it’s better than the title of Beauty School Dropout’s previous EP, BOYS DO CRY.
There isn’t much of a story to Uncle Waffles’ name, by the way. This listicle says, “Lungelihle was called Waffles back in high school. The Uncle prefix was a random addition she made.”
As a youngster, I think I preferred Grease 2—which was constantly on cable—or at least I preferred Michelle Pheiffer. I had a type, even at age 6.
Writing about Drake’s IG fames me feel this way: