#6: PANDEMIC@THEDISCO

Get ready for a lot more of this

In BNB #1, I mentioned we should prepare ourselves for an onslaught of COVID-related band names. Today, as we await the disease’s second wave—or endure its never-ending first wave—let’s look at those artists capitalizing on a worldwide tragedy for name recognition. Hey, it still beats any ska portmanteaus.

Search for COVID-related bands, and you’ll find a ton of hastily assembled pages with one song on them. Lots of these supposed bands are goofy one-offs. Covid-19 & The Symptoms have a song called “Goin’ Viral.” The sweet electropop of “Catch Me” by Montana’s COVID-19 could soundtrack the meet-cute in a rom-com set during the pandemic. A group called Coronavirus Cowboys from Lubbock, TX, released a ballad called “Six Feet Away” back in March: “You tell me you how you’re feeling lonesome and blue / You ask if there’s anyone between me and you / I swear I’m a good man faithful and true / But you say / I feel six feet away.”

It goes on and on. On the page for NYC’s COVID-19, the awkwardly written description for their song “Pathogen” says, “This took us less than half a day to throw together and is meant to take the piss out of the pandemic and to try and make something goofy and dumb to keep both our own spirits and those of anyone unfortunate enough to come across this up.” Death-metal band Covidectomy has a song called “Virus Engineer.” A noise outfit called Coronavirus—whose Bandcamp tags include “ear fucking” and “skull fucking”—claims to hail from Wuhan, China and sells its song, “Post-Human,” for $500. The page for “31520” by Birmingham, Alabama’s COVID-19 is entirely black. If you’re asking “How much more black could this be?” The answer is clearly none, none more black.

There’s also a group on Spotify called Covid 182 that has a song called “Wash My Hands Again,” which I refuse to link because we gotta have standards, everybody.

This crisis is clearly made for metal. Cleveland metal band COVID has two songs—well, really 1.5, because the first is a short instrumental with what sounds like a porn sample. (“Wow, it’s much bigger than my boyfriend’s!”) Neither seems to have anything to do with COVID-19. Maybe “Break These Chains” could be a screed against stay-at-home orders? Probably not, judging by the lyrics: “Now’s the time / To look back at the shit you’ve said / And start taking responsibility for your fucking actions / Motherfucker!” That COVID posted two identical versions of its demo, one entitled Cleveland Beatdown and the other Social Distance, shows that it has only a tenuous thematic connection to the pandemic.

That’s not the case for Chicago’s COVID. (Bio: “We deserve this.”) While the group has only one 80-second song, “COVID-1,” its connection to the pandemic is the opposite of tenuous. “It’s about time / Something stepped the fuck up / To rid this Earth / Of all you nasty motherfuckers,” go the opening lyrics. The song’s big finish? “COVID world disease / Global pandemic / Here to take everyone / The fuck out / Don’t wash your hands / Cover your mouth / You end up in a fucking ditch / You dirty motherfucker.”

This group is the work of Nick “WaHo” Ayala, who sadly is not the same Nick Ayala behind this GoFundMe to raise $600 to…get a girl? “Im trying to win a girls heart but I dont have a job, Im a full time student. Please help,” says the page. How does $600 help? Who knows! Nearly two weeks after setting it up, he’s raised $0.

Our Nick Ayala helps out at Chicago Domination Fest, “WHERE BRUTALITY REIGNS SUPREME IN THE MIDWEST.” Now I know everyone’s bummed this year’s event got pushed to 2021, but the good news is that Shuriken Cadaveric Entwinement will make their first ever live appearance next year. See you in Berwyn, IL, July 2021!

Maybe North Carolina’s Covid19 can hop on next year’s bill too. The group’s EP, viralEPidemic, features songs like “GLOBALYFVCKED,” “VIOLENTPHLEGMS,” “PANDEMIC@THEDISCO,” and “WEAKSHAKINGVOMITOUSMASS.”

Few artists riding the COVID wave have managed to crank out full-lengths. No one is more prolific than Russian death-metal band COVID-19, who has released two EPs (We All Die and Hidden Fear), a two-song single (Collapse of the Planet), and a full-length (Death World) since March.

This COVID-19 is the one-man band of Alex Ezeptrone, who also plays in Wishdoomdark. You may ask, “Wait, are Darkdruid and Paganist still playing with him in that band?” They are, per Encyclopedia Metallum. Phew. The site notes they’ve released a slew of party-music albums like Suicide in Night, My Journey in the Hell, and Blood of the Black God. Now you’d think “I Want to Die” would be on Suicide in Night, but no, that’s on Blood of the Black God.

As dour as Ezeptrone appears to be, his notes for Death World are empathetic: “Covid-19 has already made its way to all countries and brings only destruction, but the only thing that remains eternal is music...metal and no matter how hard it is, it will always be in my heart,” he writes. “All proceeds from the sale of this creation will be directed to charity, those who really need it.” Even guys who write songs called “I Hate Humans” can have big hearts.

On the other end of the spectrum is LA’s jokey trap outfit Covid-19, whose EP has seven songs with “Covid” in the title: “Covid Reunion,” “Covid Sonic Blast,” “Covid-19,” “Covid-19 Got Me Sprung,” “Covid-905,” “Covid Matata” (a sort of take on The Lion King’s “Hakuna Matata”), and “Covid Bop.” Each features a goofy Auto-Tuned voice mumble-rapping things like, “I know the Democrats done did this shit” (“Covid-19 Got Me Sprung”) and “I just watched the Joe Rogan podcast / Apparently this COVID-19 is not bad” (“Covid Sonic Blast”). A digital copy of the EP is available for $100. Hey, that’s still cheaper than the $500 Coronavirus wants.

Speaking of jokey, on Spotify there’s a group called Covid-420, whose self-titled full-length features songs like “Stoned as Shit in the Work Zoom,” “La Croix and Marijuana,” and “Spliffs and Coffee.” Monthly listeners: 13. Let’s see if we can give them the BNB Bump to 15!

POST-SCRIPTS

• I keep an ongoing list of good bands that I discover through BNB to check out later. I added nothing to it this time around.

• BNB #1 suggested a few pandemic-related band names, one of which has been claimed: Covid-20.

• Masks are the new merch must-haves, so these bands should get merchandizing. Maybe Alex Ezeptrone can make one that says WE ALL DIE?

• I lived in Chicago for 20 years and somehow missed Chicago Domination Fest, but I’m excited to know about it now. One of these bands is not like the others. Can you find it?