#5: Tell me why you don’t like Twix

Mrs. Piss; Frozen Planet….1969; Spongebob Squarewave; Spielbergs; Yonic South

Remember 100 years ago in Band Name Bureau #1, when I mentioned how frivolous it felt to write a newsletter about silly band names during a worldwide pandemic? Who knew those would be the good ol’ days? Writing #3 this week has felt like researching the best melon ballers to buy when you have no food. That said, I enjoyed writing this one the most because it provided a fun distraction. “A fun distraction”—the motto of Band Name Bureau. Aim high, everybody.

Mrs. Piss

The new outfit from longtime collaborators Chelsea Wolfe and Jess Gowrie has, let’s face it, an incredible name. The duo says it relates to “the spirit of being married to the dirt, the spirit of self-surgery and survival.” Wolfe went into more detail in a Revolver interview, saying, “Mrs. Piss is very abstract, and you can interpret it in different ways. But essentially, it’s like [being] married to the dirt, embracing and empowering your dirty or messy side as a woman and not shying away from that.” Perhaps you say, “I get it, but I’d understand better if I had a visual.” Glad you asked!

(Gotta type quickly so I can push this image off my screen before my 7-year-old daughter walks in and asks questions. Me: “You see, honey, it’s about being married to the dirt.”) Only occasionally does a band with an outlandish name deliver with commensurately outlandish artwork, and Mrs. Piss pulls it off. It’s by tattoo artist Caroline Vitelli, which is perfect, because this will be tattooed over my heart. (When people ask about it, I’ll say it’s my wife’s nickname.) On Mrs. Piss’ Bandcamp page, Vitelli’s artwork serves as the album cover for the group’s debut, Self-Surgery, but the press release announcing the album opts for something more discreet:

If I may, boo. The band’s name is already Mrs. Piss, so how much can the cover hinder pitches for press coverage? That’s when I remember that most music editors don’t share my sensibilities, so yes, it could. However, the original artwork could be more outrageous. The first time I saw it, I instantly thought of Get Your Red Wings, the album by early-aughts hardcore band Retching Red. Now that cover didn’t fuck around:

In reflecting on Mrs. Piss, it occurred to me that “Piss” is her married name, which she took after marrying Mr. Piss. Where is he? Operating a bakery Semarang, Indonesia.

Frozen Planet….1969

Jam-band fans have colorful ways of expressing their excitement. When this Australian improvisational trio released Cold Hand of a Gambling Man earlier this year, fans raved: “Amazing instrumental vibes, spicy bubbles of musical madness!” said listener stonerandmore. (“Hey, my ability to smoke massive quantities of herb doesn’t, like, define me. I’m so much more, bro.”) “A sonorous exuberance to delight from the calm, and if it is with a stimulant, much better. In this way you can soak up all the lysergy that its grooves contain,” added DenpaFuzz. Last year’s Meltdown on the Horizon inspired a fan named Bucky to praise the “guitar emitting riffs with debonair wham and spellbinding tone.” Bucky went all in on 2017’s From the Centre of a Parallel Universe, proclaiming, “The guitar riffs dance like dead hippy ghosts of Woodstock and the bass murmurs heavy psychedelia from the center of a parallel universe.” (Bucky’s Bandcamp profile explains, “Not here to ‘review’ music but to ‘descriptively recommend’ and promote the music that moves me.” Well, no one argues the descriptiveness of those recommendations, Bucky.) Frozen Planet….1969’s music doesn’t have any vocals, but its many releases have lengthy stories told through the liner notes. Cold Hand of a Gambling Man continues the story of 2018’s The Heavy Medicinal Grand Exposition, which, judging by their covers, involves a carnival barker, an elixir that’s “an herbal miracle” (WIIIIIINNNNNNNNKKKKKK), and what appear to be carnival folk. The six-part 39-minute opening suite features a passage entitled “Never Should Have Left Town With a Whistling Monkey By My Side.” That’s just good advice. Cold Hand of a Gambling Man is relatively svelte by comparison: six tracks, the longest of which lasts 21:33. Pfft, way to sell out to commercial radio.

Spongebob Squarewave

A terrible name deserves an even worse album bio, and Spongebob Squarewave delivers:

Once upon a time, there existed the faraway kingdom of Donque famed for its legendary raves. Knights, serfs, and princesses raved together regularly and it was a time of harmony and amazing vibes. Unfortunately, a jealous king from a neighbouring fiefdom couldn't stand to see this and sent an evil wizard to pronounce a powerful curse on the land. All the mixers stopped working and no-one had any inspiration for tunes, or so they thought. There was a drought of three whole years, people were forced to watch videos of old raves and society gradually crumbled - no-one left their house except to join one of those mobs with the pitchforks and torches. The princess knew only one fellow who could lift the curse so she travelled to Spongebob Squarewave's house deep in the Nutty Forest.

'Only you can bring back the rave. You must drop a phat new release, milord.' Luckily he had been impervious to the curse and had some tunes ready to go. This is what he put out and the rest is history.

No.

Spielbergs

Bandcamp shows numerous bands (presumably) inspired by the famed director: these guys, Spielberg (from Japan), Spielberger (LA), Verb Spielberg (NJ), Secret Spielberg (London). There’s also a song called “Spielberg” from the album A Boomerang Based on the Works of Vin Diesel by a Scottish group called DanDanDan. Astoundingly, there are no bands called Spielbergo or Señor Spielbergo, which is impossible. Surely some group has adopted that moniker in the 25 years since “A Star is Burns.” Anyway, Spielbergs hail from Oslo, Norway, but sound like they emerged from Chapel Hill in 1995. I mean that as a compliment. Last year’s This is Not the End reminds me of ’90s indie rock, which appeals to my nostalgia for that sound and for when the country wasn’t a dumpster fire aboard plane that’s crashing into a sinking ship. (Take that, Bucky.) Near the album’s halfway point lies a seven and a half minute track called “McDonald’s (Please Don’t Fuck Up My Order),” which seems like bong hits and giggles until you hear it. The floats wordlessly in a gauzy atmosphere of heavily reverbed bass and guitar, along with muffled percussion that sounds like it’s coming from next door. It’s Yo La Tengo in execution and Dead Milkmen in title. Last month, Spielbergs released a song called “Go!” for the Adult Swim singles series. Singer-guitarist Mads Baklien described its inspiration this way: “I find myself looking back a lot. Looking back in regret, looking back in anger. It leads to nothing. So I’ve decided to look forward. But the only problem is I don’t know where the fuck I’m going. So I just keep doing what I’ve always done. Going nowhere.” Baklien can’t be older than his early 30s, but he sounds like a ’90s Gen Xer all the same.

Yonic South

You could call your band I Shit On Jesus’ Face, and it wouldn’t offend me in the least. I’d just add it to my Evernote of BNB candidates. But Yonic South shatters my monocle. Not because I’m a huge Sonic Youth fan (I’m not) and their name is sacrosanct (it isn’t), but because Yonic South is imbecilic. Is it pronounced Yonic South (as in the region) or Yonic “Soo-th,” as in “youth but with an ‘s’”? These guys are from Italy, but Band Name Bureau’s Council of Elders awards no special dispensation because English isn’t their first language. However, the Council approves of the trio’s devotion to the Twix candy bar, as evidenced by their new EP, Twix and Dive. The video for the EP’s first single, “Tell Me Why” gives a Twix twist to the European meme Technoviking. (“Oh,” you say, “that video shot at Berlin’s Fuckparade?” Yup!) In the video, Technoviking is handed a message, which Yonic South imagines saying, “Tell me why you don’t like Twix.” After tearing it up, he looks off-camera and says something, which the band translates to…

Know Your Meme says Technoviking has been a thing since 2007, so this meme is awfully long in the tooth for a parody video. But I appreciate the Twix references. Really, I just want a Twix. I pretty much always want a Twix. Hey Mars Inc., BNB is open to sponsorships.

POST-SCRIPTS

• Mrs. Piss is pretty great. I recommend “Downer Surrounded By Uppers.”

• Holy shit, Spielbergs slay. You should listen to This is Not the End from start to finish right now. Or at least “Five on It,” “Bad Friend,” and “4AM.”

• Thanks to Drew Magary for the shoutout in the May 27th edition of Funbag. Fun story: He and I originally met back in 2011 when a comedian got mad at us. Drew had just released his novel The Postmortal, so The A.V. Club interviewed him. This comic, whom I won’t name, took offense because Drew had criticized him in a different publication. So he excoriated Drew and the AVC on Twitter, even though he wasn’t mentioned at all in our interview, and Drew had written his (completely valid) criticism of this guy elsewhere. Insane? Yes, but not uncommon when dealing with comedians. Although this guy imagined we were in cahoots to, I don’t know, say mean things about him, he couldn’t have predicted that Drew and I would one day be employed by the same parent company, Univision. It purchased Onion Inc. and the erstwhile Gawker Inc. That went great!

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