#40: Rudolph brings the toxic rain
The second annual BNB Holiday Revue
Band Name Bureau isn’t quite two years old, so there hasn’t been a lot of time to establish much in the way of traditions. But as we make our way through our second December, it makes sense go for the obvious: holiday music. We did it last year, so let’s establish this as the first BNB tradition (besides giving Dismembered Carnage a hard time).
Christmasasaurus
Back in December 2005, when I first included a list of band names I encountered that year along with my favorite albums at The A.V. Club, Christmasasaurus began releasing compilations of “the most delightful and strange seasonal sonic sundries.” They mix covers with originals, most of them strange, some of them delightful. Released this month, Christmasasaurus X2 is typical, with 14 tracks that favor distorted electronics and irony. It’s fun to skip around and sample, but if the comps can’t deliver consistent quality, they at least supply some amusing names. Ominous Pigeon Master (“Opaque Christmas”). Kindergarten Hazing Ritual (“Ding Fries Are Done FINAL”). Look What You Did You Little Band (“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”). I Killed Techno! (“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus [noise tweak]”). Serious Skin Connection (“Adolescent Percussionist”). Bukkake Hotlines (“Deck the Halls”). They All Head Tentacles (“An Untitled Christmas Song”). Here Comes The Gut Wagon (“Electric Santa Claws”). Hallowed Butchery of the Son (“Casualties of Christmas”). Anally Aborted Fetus (“Rudolph The Rednose [sic] Reindeer”). Computer Jesus Refrigerator (“Nam Wons Eht Yts Orf”). Then there’s Blind Equation, a meh name, but the song title “Merry Fucking Christmas You Spineless Fuck” is a winner.
“Have Yourself Another COVID Christmas”
If you read Ed Yong’s latest COVID story for The Atlantic without throwing yourself from a bridge afterward, perhaps you can get a few rueful chuckles from Sunday Comes Afterwards—a.k.a. Stevonnie Ross of Jersey City—writing a sequel to last year’s I’ll Stay Home for Christmas EP.
Have yourself another COVID Christmas
Guess we’ll keep it small
No big dinners spreading all the aerosolsHere we are, still in virus days
Undesirous days, for sure
Faithful friends who would room with us
Now they Zoom with us, once more
Ha ha ha! We live in a nightmare!
Satin Klaus
This electronic album by German artist Swype Right features tracks like “Smoking Crack Under the Christmas Tree,” “Boozed Up Man with a Belly and a Beard,” “Forcing Your Children to Sing,” and “Rudolph the Speednose,” among others. Other than their titles, the songs have no discernible ties to Christmas, as they’re all instrumental dance tracks as far as I can tell. But you gotta love this shirt. You wear it to the Frankfurt discos, ja?
Christmas Split by Cadaveric Incubator and Undergang
Heavy bands doing Christmas songs is a well-established trope by this point, so much so that the cognitive dissonance has long since worn off. It can still be fun, of course, but it’s not shattering any monocles. If that’s your goal, it’s best not to do, say, a thrash cover of “Sleigh Ride.” Write an offensive original! These two Danish bands eagerly get gruesome with sleigh bells and Cookie Monster vocals, with Cadaveric Incubator kicking things off with “Swarming Vulgar Christmas”:
Sizzling bodies, roaches reign
Rudolph brings the toxic rain
Mass destruction from sky high
Mushroom cloud to bless this holy night
Undergang follows with “Hjerternes Tid,” Danish for “The Time of Hearts.” Aww, is that a new Pentatonix Christmas song? Pentatonix would definitely be less cloying if they growled this in Danish: “They say it’s the time of the hearts / And I see the snow falling white / All I want is your death / And I look forward to Christmas.” Though my favorite lines are “The tree is adorned with the intestines / Hanging like garlands.” Evocative!
Jherek Bischoff, Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire Walk With Me
Winner, “Now That’s Specific” Award: “Classic Christmas songs in the style of Angelo Badalamenti’s Twin Peaks score.”
So imagine the opening credits to Twin Peaks, but with familiar melodies like “White Christmas,” “Happy Xmas (War is Over),” or even “The Chipmunk Song (Christmas Don’t Be Late).” I won’t lie. This is pretty great.
O Come, All Ye Vapeful
This comp by Pacific Plaza Records features “18 tracks of holiday cheer from your favorite Vaporwave artists,” such as Lord Pusswhip, TWIN_PINZ_M4LL, and Incarta ’95 (not to be confused with “Last Windows 95 Christmas,” a song by FrankJavCee, also on this comp). O Come, All Ye Vapeful came is from 2019, and Pacific Plaza released another one in 2020, but this cover art can’t be topped.
Töürd Böürglar, “Cucked by Cryptids”
I could live the rest of a long, productive life without hearing the word “cucked” again, but if you ever wonder what it’d be like to be cucked by Santa, Töürd Böürglar’s got you covered:
Santa’s abs glisten in the sun
He brought presents to everyone
Santa Claus, he is my dad
He calls me his son when I’ve been bad
Santa Claus married my wife
Mrs Claus, too, she lays the pipe
Wow, even Mrs. Claus?
POST-SCRIPTS
Shout out to The 12 Days of Kendrick, a mash-up album that mixes Kendrick Lamar with Christmas music. And if you’re into that kind of thing, perhaps you’ll also like Santa Sabbath, which performs Black Sabbath music with lyrics from Christmas songs.
My favorite album of the year from that 2005 list? The Woods by Sleater-Kinney. I stand by it. But Sufjan Stevens’ Illinois? I haven’t revisited it much since then, even though “Chicago” is great. I am terrible at making year-end lists.
Among the bands on that first band-name list: Public Display of Funk, Libido Funk Circus, Snatches of Pink, Clitastrophy. Terrible names, all. I’d forgotten about When Rocky Beat the Russian, though. Solid.
One more bonus edition is coming your way post-Christmas.